Stimming

I've been told I've been noticed stimming in social situations. Something I hadn't noticed, at all.

And I was overjoyed.

It took me years to help my body relearn how to stim. I had convinced my whole system that society norms were the absolute priority to the point of eradicating something as natural, as spontaneous and vital for neurodiverse humans as stimming. I had to sit down and purposefully explore lights, rocking, sensorial play, visual stimulations. And as I did I would be surprised with deep breaths, the tension would leave my body and my mind would find ease. With time, I reconnected with this area of needs and found my own natural movements. Sometimes, in private, I began to even notice my body spontaneously rocking.

So when this person came to me and, as we were discussing the subject, shared how she notices me gently rocking myself back and forth in the frequent occasions where we are out at dinner with a group of friends, I smiled out of pure joy.

Because I hadn't noticed. And if I hadn't noticed it means it didn't happen because I was purposefully guiding my body to that movement, it happened because my body finally, finally managed to break free and spontaneously sought out stimming to self regulate in a stressful situation.

It means the message of love and acceptance I've been directing to myself for the last four years is finally starting to cut through that thick wall of shame, self hate, inadequacy and self doubt.

My mind and body are starting to embrace that message at the deepest level: I am valid, my needs are valid, my characteristics are lovable and I do love them in the first place. There is infinite beauty and amazement in how I experience the world and I adore seeing my nature starting to peek through from under the layers of masks.

It takes time, my beloved autistic friends, it takes time. But don't give up on yourself and read this out loud: we are valid, our needs are valid, our characteristics are lovable and we love them in the first place.

Change happens in subtle ways, welcome it. And lose yourself in that joy.

I love you.